TIPSY PUDDING

 Tipsy, the word itself is adequate to make most faujis start salivating; for the unfortunate and uninitiated this tipsy does make us go a little crazy, not that we are sane anyways. Tipsy is not a feeling of being ‘pleasurably high’ after a sundowner, but a dessert which when served to the cadets after a rigorous camp is a sight to be savoured for life. The Dharavi dwellers in front of the municipal water taps would be put to shame by the melee which results when a big patila full of this delicacy is placed on the table. The cadets are normally expected to take their fill in their mess tins which they carry with them, which serves as a universal dish for everything from a khichdi to eggs or toasts to veg with gravy. Mess tin is a set i.e. it has two dishes which fit into one another catering to the ravenous appetite of the trainees. 

We are also issued with mug enamelled,  for our morning evening cuppa, which finds multiple usages, as it doubles up as the mug for shaving, bathing and even for the big job in the morning. You must be wondering why am I describing the utensils rather than the pudding itself, well the fact is unless you grasp the nuances of collecting the  tipsy, you will not be able to relish the heavenly taste, that will linger long after you are done with licking your fingers clean. So the bowl is placed on the table and the hungry pack of wolves are let loose on this poor hapless vessel. At first the serving spoon is put to some use, thereafter, the mess tins and mugs enamelled are dipped into the gooey dish and then in sheer desperation the hands are resorted to, to fill whatever can serve as a dish, so caps, water bottles, scooped palms everything is fair in love, war and for the tipsy. There have been occasions when someone lost his watch in the bowl, which was found by someone else a little while later, which was duly returned to the owner after licking the last traces of this cuisine. There can never be enough of this tipsy as second, third and nth helping is very much par for the course.

I am sure I have aroused enough curiosity by now for the reader to know what this mouth-watering dish is all about. Well calling it a mere piece of cake is sheer travesty and the chefs have every right to take an offence. It comprises many layers of juicy fruits, exotic dry fruits, fresh cream, custard ,jam   or marmalade, crumbs of Marie biscuits  with sponge cake as the base, immersed in fruit syrup with cherry toppings. Of course each chef has his own recipe where he or she creates this masterpiece and each one must be feeling like a true artist. I can imagine him/her looking at their creation admiringly as though it is Monalisa  herself which they have painted. Be honest, isn’t it worth diving into or dying for ? 

Tipsy is a love affair, all of us are enamoured by the aroma and naturally it lasts a lifetime. Even today when many of us have gracefully retired and are senior citizens, tipsy makes us give up all our resolves. Given a choice between salvation and tipsy I am sure all of us would plump for the latter without batting an eyelid. Buddha was lucky, he was not tempted by tipsy as the chefs then had not yet come up with this celestial offering, else he too would have succumbed. Why do you think, we haven’t had any other incarnations after that? Although I am all for the Be Indian Buy Indian, and savour all desi cuisines but when it comes to tipsy I am afraid my vote would go for tipsy and tipsy alone, as it is second to none.

100 Grams

 

100 grams, oh my God that was what did her in finally. I am sure most of you are aware of this weight fiasco which Vinesh Phogat, the lioness of a wrestler had to face and in the bargain end up being disqualified. Reminds me of that famous dialogue "Ek chutki sindoor ki kimat tum kya jano.." from Shahrukh starrer "Om Shanti Om". Vinesh would be asking the same question, "Ek 100 grams ki kimat tum kya jano..!"Wonder why didn't her staff include some of our sabji-wallas or street vendors who would have tilted the scales by upto 500 grams without even batting an eyelid and no one would have been the wiser. I am not sure how many of you have encountered these experts who can tamper with any scale to make the vegetable weigh more or less as per their convenience, but let me assure you there are plenty in every city displaying this skill of hoodwinking the customers. The moment our team had got wind of this tricky situation they should have immediately pressed these guys into service, if required they should have been flown in a private jet to Paris, as they would have saved the day for us. After all it was the only Silver/Gold for our country so far, which was at stake. Alternately we could have demanded a collective weighing-in like they resort to during flights as they weigh the luggage of the complete group if they are travelling by the same ticket. I am sure the other wrestlers would have been able to balance things out. For just this piddly 100 grams, the medal was lost.

Weighing-in is a ritual whose sanctity is recognised by those who have been associated with Boxing and Wrestling. In the training academies, most of us have had to bear this brunt sometime or the other, sometimes even to gain weight but generally to lose some. As fighting in a lower weight category has its obvious advantages, but at times since there is a void in the higher category and fielding a player is a must to avoid losing out on points, some have to be force fed to gain those those precious grams. In the academies there were set drills for losing weight, we would put on a couple of jerseys and go for a run to sweat out, invariably that was adequate. But at times, when this did not suffice, 'blanket parade' too was resorted to, where the contender was wrapped in a couple of blankets and a couple of hits with hockey sticks  ensured that additional water content  present in the body  also pored out in sweat. Precisely what Vinesh and her team tried in more sophisticated way in sauna suits.

Weight management is an important part of our annual medical examinations too, where the Medical Specialists are known to extract their pound of flesh from the over weight or obese officers. While they would not mind parting with a pound of flesh literally, if it got them off the hook, but alas this doesn't happen and they are forced to undergo a strict diet regimen in the grace period to somehow creep into the permissible  authorised weight.  I am blessed by my constitution, no not the Ambedkar constitution, which some people have suddenly woken upto, but my body constitution, and I have my genes to be thankful to for this blessing, as I have perpetually been in the permissible underweight category. But I have witnessed many a tigers being reduced to the status of a lamb while trying to scale the scale itself. 

Getting back to the mother of all weighing-ins, despite the best efforts of Vinesh and her support staff, a mere 100 grams became a bridge too far for her. Funnily the World Wrestling body permits a relaxation of upto two kgs, but IOC does not provide any such relaxation in the rules. I wonder what if she was merely 10 grams overweight, would she have been still disqualified; is there no relaxation whatsoever? A hundred grams in 50 kgs is just 0.2 percent, now this precision, while highly desirable but practically is a tall order. Forget the conspiracy theorists and the social media troll army, she did succeed in dethroning the current world champion and winning three back to back bouts.  She definitely deserves to be given her due. So let us celebrate the sheer grit and effort displayed by her, that itself is worth a medal.

Unity in Diversity

  "Hasina Bhag Jayegi" screamed one of the headlines, the other read "Shaken Hasina", yet another one was "Ek Hasina Thi" and there were countless memes on the social media on the 5th Aug. Isn't it a strange coincidence that 49 years ago, it was in the month of Aug 15th 1975 to be precise, when Shaikh Mujib's government was overthrown in a bloody coup with his complete family wiped out except Shaikh Hasina and her sister Rehana. Month of August is just not very august for this nation, or if we look at it from the perspective of the agitators, it is as they have been able to throw out an unpopular government. Ironically she won a two thirds majority in Jan this year itself, but without any opposition as BNP had decided to boycott the elections. This is the most important lesson to take home for us in India.

We need a credible opposition in a healthy democracy, without one the powers that be, can develop a tendency towards authoritarianism. Opposition for the sake of opposition as has been witnessed in the last about two decades is not healthy and for a change the events in Bangladesh have again shown that democratic values are in tact in India, with unanimous support cutting across party lines for Shaikh Hasina being provided shelter. I am sure these events have served a wake up call to both sides of the political divide, nobody wants this kind of anarchy in our country. The so called "Arab Spring" is such a misnomer, as it has failed to usher in any fragrance in any of the countries where it has been unleashed. In fact it ought to be referred to as rather "Turbulent and Ferocious Tsunami" which has not spared anyone in its wake, the country in tatters, economy in doldrums and the masses subjected to total anarchy as against organised governance. Yes there was discontent in all the cases, be it Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt, Libya, SriLanka, Ukraine or even Bangladesh now, but the so called revolution have been orchestrated by the 'Deep State' as it serves their interests not of the host country. The script has been replayed time and again since 2010 when Tunisia was the first to go, the perpetrators learnt its lessons from Iraq, where troops were committed to achieve the objective of overthrowing the government. Now they have perfected this into an art form, they just act as  a catalyst after providing the initial trigger. 

India which boasts of 'Unity in Diversity' is an ideal candidate for the inimical forces to play this game, as they have been trying to exploit this diversity by creating a divide. Religion, caste based reservation, economic disparity provide them with just the right material and perception of the masses can be moulded into believing anything at all, the moment, they are convinced they are under threat. The natural defence mechanism of survival kicks in as a reflex action, logic and rational thinking is given a burial and an ugly dangerous mob is born.Fortunately for us despite their best efforts during the protests associated with CAA and Farm Laws, they could not reach criticality. But mind you, they are down but not out and will be at it sooner than later.

Social media and AI have proved to be such an asset in this game being played where the target country just loses the plot as it is overwhelmed by all kinds of lies and fake media are peddled without any qualms. For the nation to address this threat the only panacea is our strong institutions, be they Armed Forces, Judiciary, Media or Bureaucracy. In the current scenario in our neighbourhood, the institutions failed, as these pillars of any democracy have their roles cut out where at times, the pressure needs to be provided a vent for release. Our leaders have also acted with maturity when things seemed to be getting out of hand, like in the Farmer's agitation, a roll back and an apology did manage to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation.

We must honour our democratic values and not play into the hands of forces inimical to our national interests. Our youth must learn to reject  communalism, religious extremism tread cautiously on social media, read extensively not on what's app university but history, religious scriptures and engage in healthy debates rather than spew vitriol on your supposed adversaries who are just your brothers and comrades. Here is wishing and praying that sanity will prevail. We have defied all nay sayers in the last seventy five years by nurturing our heterogeneity and actually benefittng from it. We must guard it with all our might as that probably isthe reason why we shall overcome all these challenges. 

कुछ बात है कि हस्ती मिटती नहीं हमारी।

सदियों रहा है दुश्मन दौरे ज़मां हमारा।।

Differently Abled

 My heart goes out to poor Pooja, imagine the plight of this girl who braved artificially created or invented disabilities, ranging from vision to locomotor to even mental ones and then she had to suffer the ignominy of being clubbed with the backwards even. After having undergone such trials and tribulations this poor princess is being subjected to all kinds of trolling, and as if this wasn't enough now she is even being reverted back to the Academy for some chastising. 

Let us deliberate on each of her alleged misdemeanours, the first one being for ‘lack of vision’, that anomaly afflicts almost all, most of our babus have displayed this quality  in the 75 odd years of independent governance, so she is no exception and she should be given the benefit of doubt. I am quite sure once she rises in the hierarchy she will display this trait in ample abundance which will leave nobody in any doubt whatsoever. Locomotor disability was probably misunderstood by Ms Pooja as motor disability, as when she applied for the examination, she did not probably own the Audi then, so merely possessing an SUV obviously was a huge disability that too without the blue or red light perched on top to signify her eminence. This disability she was trying to overcome hence the efforts for having this ultimate symbol of power affixed on her Audi. Let us examine the mental issues now, this is quite obvious as with her shenanigans she has amply displayed temporary insanity, which is a clause which she will rely on to prove her innocence. After all an insane person is expected to do things out of the ordinary, and mind you geniuses are also borderline insane, as the famous quote by Nobel laureate Albert Einstein himself,"Only difference between genius and insanity is that a genius has his limits!" We have yet to ascertain her limits, so you never know she might just be a genius.

I am sure you recall that statement about ‘poverty being a state of mind’ by another genius, similarly backwardness is also a ‘state of mind’; i.e. it has nothing to do with belonging to the oppressed classes. As we all are aware, we have plenty of examples where generations have enjoyed the fruits of reservation, despite that they continue to languish in the state of backwardness as they haven't decided to progress into being a forward. Let me explain, in Football a Full Back remains a Full back, does he become a forward just because he ventures ahead once in a while. He retains his position and does not get convinced into changing it with that of a forward. Similarly a backward like poor little Pooja will retain this backwardness of mind irrespective of the best efforts by the state to con her.

There is another flimsy allegation against her about resorting to changing her names a couple of times, now that is actually victimising the lass, after all didn't the Bard himself state, "What's in a name, that which we call a rose by any other name will still smell as sweet!" So Khedkar Pooja Deeliprao will remain equally reverential as Pooja Manorama Dileep Khedkar. If you haven't got the reverential bit, well it is the literal meaning of Pooja, 'to offer prayers'. In fact we all should actually draw inspiration from her at this noble act of women empowerment, as she has inserted her mother's name with her name, like another celebrity film director Sanjay Leela Bhansali. 

 There are some other minor skeletons which have tumbled out like the divorce case of her parents being false. Once again instead of applauding this great couple at trying to salvage their marriage; despite having been divorced they are trying to put up a brave face and staying together for the sake of their precious pearl Pooja. Now who can possibly find fault with such genuine affection and no wonder they are seen together in election rallies too, even Dimple Khanna accompanied Rajesh Khanna when he canvassed for elections for New Delhi constituency in the nineties. Nobody pointed a finger at them. We can't be targeting these poor backward class parents. Her illustrious mother too was in the news for brandishing a gun; imagine she was only trying to protect her land, so just self defence and mind you she did not fire as she believed in just a show of force. 

So friends, tell me shouldn't we be honouring this girl rather performing her 'pooja' in place of harassing her. She is definitely differently abled, how differently is for you to figure out!

Big Faaaaat Wedding

 

There is an old song, "Begani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana" in a old RajKapoor film "Jis Desh Main Ganga Bahti Hai", senior citizens would recall, others will have to google. The movie was famous for the anti-dacoity stance and the movement to get them to surrender and rehabilitate them in civil society. But this blog is not about the Chambal dacoits, it is about the most talked about wedding of this century. No points for guessing, obviously the famous Ambani wedding, where Anant and Radhika tied the nuptial knot and the world watched the tamasha in awe. A topic for 'discussion over drinks' in the pubs, air conditioned lounges as also  'chai pe charcha' on the near by tea dhabas, some complaining of the obscene display of wealth and the unbecoming ostentatiousness of the latest edition of the soap opera, while for some others, their jaws dropped so vigorously that even dentists are finding it difficult to set them right at the razzmatazz and the extravaganza which left an indelible impression on the viewers. Some of us, hoi polloi who were not enamoured by this "big faaaat ( yes it was really fat)  Indian wedding were forced to watch it on almost all news channels and also in print media. With 5000 crores being spent on just a wedding, did I  say "just a wedding", well I apologise profusely before I invite opprobrium from all and sundry. No way, this was no ordinary wedding, even the Prince Charles-Lady Diana event couldn't come anywhere close, with the sheer spread of the event itself, shuffling across venues in two continents, guest list comprising the who's who of the Global Political, Entertainment, Sports, Multinational honchos, this one simply eclipsed everything else.

But then we Indians are like that only, the scale has to be grand, here of course they also had the means, but just look around each one of us is guilty of overdoing it. So much so that even our domestic help spends almost 30-40 grand on her grandson's first birthday, with a 10000 bucks gift thrown in. everything is on credit of course. The other help has been in a celebration mode ever since he has a nephew in the family with four major events already held, where the guest list list was close to 500 on each occasion. Now he is no Ambani or even his country cousin, but the celebrations must be grand in keeping with the occasion, else, "what will people say?"

Tongues have a dirty habit of wagging, they can't help it, but who gives a damn, Ambanis definitely don't, you may smirk as much as you want. Ambanis are businessmen, for them everything is just a means to network, so that more business deals may be struck on the sidelines making them richer. Why do you think people like John Kerry, Boris Johnson, Tony Blair,  Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerburg, Ivanka Trump and Bob Iger make a beeline for this event. Why should we be complaining, the money which they have spent, a major portion of that has been rerouted into our own economy. The consumption model of economy gleefully accepts any and every such 'band baaja baraat'.  Since I started with a Hindi movie song, let me finish with one as well, this time from Rishi Kapoor's "Khel Khel Mein", ".sab dekh rahe hain, to dekhne do, sab jal bhi rahe hain, to jalne do..khullam khulla pyar karenge.."

As for me, I am mighty disappointed that I was not considered worthy of an invite, after all I too am a celebrity in my own right, at least in my own circle of friends and family. Obviously Ambanis aren't impressed they haven't been shared a link to my blogs so far, me thinks high time someone does the honours, may be next time i too might get lucky! So for people like us, it is just a case of "Sour Grapes!"

Son of a Gun

 "Son of a gun", 'chickens have finally come home to roost', this is the common refrain at the assassination bid on Donald Trump. Isn't it ironical that ardent supporter of US Gun Laws became a victim of the very same gun, which is supposed to be meant for self defence and protection? A gun is a gun it doesn't distinguish between who is a supporter or who is not, it just does its task. So Thomas Matthew Crooks decided to put it to 'good use' as per him. After all second amendment to the US Constitution empowers each American citizen to bear arms and form part of a militia should the need arise. That may have been the case way back in the 18th century, wonder who in his right frame of mind would like the presence of armed militias roaming around the streets? The yanks think it is their right and that is not negotiable, well in that case they might as well go to Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Syria or any of the other strife torn places, where militias roam freely unchallenged. If things carry on like this the US may actually be heading in this very direction.

Guns wield power, "power flows from the barrel of the gun" as Chairman Mao said, no wonder US is the most powerful country in the world, a super power, they have more guns than people. People they have no dearth of, as there is a beeline for immigration to the El Dorado and guns are available in plenty, so more the merrier. We normally have been following or rather aping the West in most activities, so it is quite surprising that our leaders haven't thought of this short cut to power, just authorise them to wield guns and watch the fun. But on second thoughts, we don't need to, as our desi kattas (country made pistols) are easily available in the badlands where they could get you votes, organise kidnapping, carry out assassinations with the supari or merely threaten the people at large merely by carrying one. Whoever asked for a licence, that is for sissies, the bahubalis are supermen who are a law unto themselves.

We in the Army have been handling weapons since our training days, starting from the good old .22, 303 to SLRs, INSAS, Kalashnikovs, Uzis,  Pistol 9 mm, Glocks, Carbines, Dragunovs and what have you. The key to becoming a marksman was the grip of the weapon, as our Weapon Training Ustaads would say, "Nimbu nichod pakad", i.e. hold as tight as though you are squeezing a lemon, then just keep your weapon stable by taking a deep breath, exhaling just partially and holding it, thereafter squeeze the trigger gently not with a jerk. With the tripods and bipods, the stability issue was addressed by itself, so the wannabe assassin Thomas Matthew Crooks did not have to bother about undergoing extensive training in carrying out his operation. It was providence which saved Trump, a tilt at the last millisecond saved him from being a dead Donald Duck. So Donald literally ducked the Crooks' bullet.

Despite having lost four Presidents to assassinations and attempts on couple of others, the Gun lobby continues to wield such powers that even frequent shooting incidents in schools, public places the public is not outraged. Wonder when sanity will prevail…

Devil is in the Details

Monday morning 1000 hours the standard time for the Weekly Conferences and meetings in all HQs. I often wonder whether the conferences serve any purpose at all, on the contrary I think they are the bane of decision making. I am sure quite a few amongst us will wholeheartedly concur. If the boss finds it difficult to decide on a course of action and still wants to be seen as working diligently then the easiest way out is to call for a meeting. This malaise of meetings is a universal phenomena and cuts across all boundaries of corporate, bureaucracy, uniformed or academic fraternity. Deja vu! 

A surefire way of sending a proposal into an orbit is to call for a conference of all stakeholders. Firstly the boss has successfully avoided taking a decision, secondly he has put the complete team  in a spin, draft out an agenda, circulate it, although the agenda gets hijacked by the first speaker himself, if he is due for his report or appraisal not leaving the floor for the ones to follow. He has come prepared to put the attendees to death by power point. Microsoft Office has let this ghoul loose on this world which till then was happy with their Overhead Projector view-foils or slides. The beauty of these transparencies was that it required a draftsman to do them up for you, so there was a limit to the number of iterations it could be subjected to. But this means of torture called power point unleashed the devil in the commanders and bosses, where they could endlessly squabble over the scarlet, magenta, indigo.. pastel colours...their choice of colours would put any woman to shame. The animations and statistical charts available at the click of the mouse caught their fancy like that of a child with his new toy. As if this was not enough they would take a print out of these slides home and would not hesitate to call you in the middle of the night without as much as an apology for having woken you up, go on to explain the amendments which they wanted done by 0800 hours in the morning. Groggy and disoriented you were still trying to come to grips with what the boss's instructions when he disconnects, leaving you fully awake facing the nightmare of carrying out these corrections first thing in the morning.

Once the conferences commence there are many like me who switch off almost immediately and resort to testing my artistic skills by doodling with the sole purpose of keeping awake as it is, their sonorous dull monotone acts as a lullaby. Of course in between look at the speaker so as to appear to be really grasping every word and dutifully noting them down. At times I have even completed my blogs also in such long drawn affairs.

Agenda of most of the conferences in the Army is "danda", i.e. a good dressing down for anything and everything under the Sun. This danda is delivered within the first few minutes of the meeting, thereafter the participants are merely going through the motions. As if this wasn’t enough this Corona introduced another devil, the ubiquitous video conference, which has made life even more miserable for the employees. While the Armed Forces have always been a 24x7 round the clock job, for the first time even the Corporate guys were required to be available on call and that too on video. Naturally the frequency of conferences increased and misery multiplied manifold. The perils of video camera being on and the attendee not aware resulted in many a gaffes, some literally with their pants down.

I once attended an International Conference where I got to see the working of diplomacy at close quarters, language is a barrier but the way these diplomats play with words is to be seen to be believed. Every coma, full stop can convey a different meaning to the joint statement and hence the foreign office mandarins have to be masters of the language. While the conference itself was an update on the activities which was quite drab and dreary as nothing much had been achieved, but it had to be put in a way that appeared as though a lot had been accomplished. At the end of the day after squabbling over semantics for almost half a day, finally a joint communique was arrived at.  Devil was obviously in the details.

In complete contrast it’s a treat to see a unit in action, minimal orders, no time wasting conferences, just plain and simple action. If you want the work done, no conferences should be the mantra.

devil is in the details