NFU:THE BANE OF ARMED FORCES

 

NFU sounds almost like an expletive, and the Armed Forces of India have been led to believe that the second and third letters signify what is being doled out to them. The attitude of  Govt of India, represented by the babus has been very negative all along towards this great institution, for no fault of theirs. They have pulled every trick in their hat to deny the clueless faujis their dues over the nearly eight odd decades since independence. 

So what exactly is this NFU, well it stands for ‘Non Functional Upgradation’, i.e. since promotional avenues were limited for the government bureaucracy due to the supposed stagnation in higher ranks, their cadre is promised this boost in their emoluments equivalent to their contemporaries. To illustrate if the first person from the batch of 2009 is promoted to the level of Joint Secretary in May 2026, then all persons belonging to this batch get the emoluments and are placed in the same grade pay 14 of the Joint Secretary in May 2028. This way, the hierarchy ensures there is no heartburn for missed out promotions, as irrespective of your performance, your pay and perks stay protected. This is ostensibly to compensate them, the concept though flawed, as there are literally no performance based incentives, but it does serve the purpose of keeping them happy. 

The reason behind the denial of NFU to Indian Armed Forces lies probably in the nomenclature itself. Since it is ‘Non Functional’ in nature, so the only functional organisation can’t obviously be a beneficiary. Either we change it to ‘functional upgradation’, but then the ‘non-functional’ organs can’t be included in that. This Catch 22 situation is what is keeping the Forces at bay. In other words, the incentive for us is to convert our organisation also into a non functional one, then and only then will we be eligible for the award.

Armed Forces have steepest pyramid, even at the cost of sounding cliched, I must reiterate, but the fact is, the promotional avenues in the Armed Forces are severely restricted owing to the structure of the organisation itself. There can be only one General, Air Chief Marshal or Admiral, you can’t possibly have a General for Logistics, General for Intelligence, General for Operations, General for Procurements and so on, as their brethren in the civil hierarchy; I believe they have DG Police Fire, DGP Anti-Corruption Bureau, DGP Rescue Work, DGP Housing and so on. They have no qualms in sanctioning additional posts which they create not because there is a genuine need, but to adjust their bloating hierarchy.

Be that as it may, the tug of war will continue, while the Armed Forces face functional challenges in their day to day operational duty, merely because of this oneupmanship. Post independence to clip the wings of the Armed Forces, the govt turned a blind eye to the blatant usurping of the rank insignia, i.e. stars, flags and epaulette badges of the officer cadre, thereby establishing a parity merely by donning of these rank badges and flying these flags. Then as their organisations grew, the officer cadres expanded and the equivalence of ranks kept getting diluted. Army wasn’t concerned, happy in their own cocoon, till the curse of militancy hit us, when civil military interactions and cooperation became a necessity. 

The enhanced grade pay structure which too kept inching up almost surreptitiously, as when we were commissioned, our pay scale was 2300- 5000, running from 2Lt to Brigadier, while all Group A services started at 2200. But in subsequent pay commissions, today, with 7th pay commission, it stands at 56000 for all at the same starting block and with much faster promotion, they climb to the grade pay of 14 in just 17 years of service, when  only about 25% of their armed forces compatriots are in grade pay 13, the rest are in grade pay 12. The balance 75% will attain grade pay 13 with 26 years of service and retire from there itself. Only about 10% of them will reach grade pay 14 by about 27 years of service, when their civilian counterparts have already been there for about 10 years. The complete civilian cadre  is at grade pay 14 with NFU for eight years. 

Operationally there have been a number of occasions when much junior civilians officials who by virtue of enjoying a better grade pay (curtesy NFU) have thumbed their noses at the Army Officers of the rank of Colonel/Brigadier and above. The issue thus is not just finances but also of status and that is evident in the recent occurrences, where serving Army officers have been ill treated by the police officials with impunity. Unless the status is restored, this malaise which runs deep will create deep fault lines in the country as also end up demoralising the last bastion of this nation.

MAKE AMERICA REGRET AGAIN

 TACO, Trump always chickens out. Chickens have taken umbrage at this insult, since the advent of English language, people have been chickening out and chickens have continued to cross the road without as much as a ‘buck buck bagawk’. But now they have started to squawk and are raising quite a shindy, their concerns are why is it always them, when it comes to a ‘no show’. Well boxers duck against their adversaries in the ring, so do politicians when faced with uncomfortable questions, but when it comes to cowardice, poor chickens have to face the brunt, they can’t even chicken out, you see. Donald should probably ‘quack’ out, after his namesake Disney toon, though to be sure Donald Ducky has disowned Donald Trump a long time ago.

Chickens have represented, why not ‘Trump always beefs out’ or ‘porks’ out may even be better taking a cue from George Orwell’s classic Animal Farm . To be honest, he has demonstrated his ‘pig headedness’ on many an occasions earlier, especially with the tariff business. He has a ‘monkey mind’ and is always up to his ‘monkey tricks’ too, so may be ‘monkeyed’ out may fit the bill. Orang-utan also comes to mind, after all there is a striking resemblance to the ‘orange’ coloured hairs.

Beefing out though thankfully has been spared, else Indian sensibilities would be hurt, so also ‘pork out’ with the Islamic world, but there are plenty of animals out there, they could pick any which takes their fancy, but spare the chickens the blushes. As it is, this time around Trump has been accused of ‘counting his chickens’ before they were even hatched, especially the Iranian nuclear capability ones. After all he has opened a ‘can of worms’ and has got the goat of the whole world. He has never been the one to ‘hold his horses’, so his incessant blabbering on social media have even put the babblers (the seven sisters) to shame. He has been behaving like a bull in the china shop and there is no one who can take this bull by the Hor-muz. 

Trump’s quest for a regime change in Iran is turning out to be a ‘wild goose chase’, the Yanks have sort of perfected this art, looking for those non-existent weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and Taliban in Afghanistan. Chickens have heaved a huge sigh of relief that they are domesticated, else Trump would have probably gone on that wild chicken chase too. He presumed the Iranians would be strutting around like ‘headless chickens’ after the strikes, well they seem to have trumped Trump and instead now, Chickens will definitely come home to roost soon. November mid terms are round the corner, when the ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’ of MAGA will reveal his true colours and turn into MARA, Make America Regret Again. Well you literally killed it guys!

 

IT'S TACO TIME

 We are in the eighth week of this highly avoidable US-Israel offensive against Iran and despite some efforts towards a negotiated peace deal, there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel yet. As predicted by this author, “President Trump will declare victory and seek cessation of hostilities on his own terms at the beginning of this conflict” in my column “Iran Imbroglio”, he is playing to the script. Thereafter, his threat of wiping out the civilisation was a veiled threat of resorting  to go nuclear was essentially to nudge Iran towards signing the deal on American terms. To be fair to US and Trump, they have had Iran on their crosshairs and have been trying to eliminate the threat of a nuclear Iran since 1979. But before commencing this conflict they had not counted on the resilience of Iranians and hence the current logjam.

This disastrous conflict is wreaking havoc not only on Iran and the West Asia in particular, but the world as a whole for obvious reasons, i.e. global energy dependence on this geographical entity. So far Iran has played his cards deftly, having caused turbulence in the GCC nations with their selective targeting of the US bases in the region, as also controlling the maritime traffic through the Strait of Hormuz. US-Israel duo needed a quick conflict termination, which has been succesfully averted and the stage is set for what could turn into a prolonged war. US record of all such conflicts has been very poor, be it Vietnam or Afghanistan. They have finally turned their tails and withdrawn without even a face saver. Iranians are counting on that, but this time they are demanding their pound of flesh, before they let the Yanks off. 

The million dollar question is will the two finally tango or will it be yet another case of TACO (Trump always Chickens out). Let us understand as to why Iranians will not throw in the towel, they have suffered enormous damage to their armed forces, as also to their civilian infrastructure but their clergy led regime is very much in tact and so are the institutions such as IRGC. The American terms demand a total surrender, whereby Iran sacrifices its enriched Uranium and freezes its nuclear ambition for 20 years and in return gets precious little. Negotiations are based on ‘give and take’ but Trump’s art of cutting a deal is to make unreasonable demands right at the outset,  so that the rival party is prepared to accept terms which are favourable to Trump, as was evident in his Tariff diplomacy. Iran though is a different kettle of fish, for them it is a battle of survival and a surrender on American terms will be the end of this regime. So Iranians are currently placed in a ‘do or die’ scenario, where, they are disrupting the maritime traffic through Strait of Hormuz, thus forcing the global powers to push the Americans to bring this war to a closure at the earliest as world economy is on a downward spiral hurtling towards its doom if this situation prevails for long.  A prolonged conflict will be disastrous for US taxpayer also, apart form the highly avoidable bodybags which  is surely a recipe for disaster for the Republicans in the coming Mid Term elections in November.

Why does a nation surrender? We saw that Pakistan surrendered in 1971, when they were defeated in the minds not just on the battlefield. They could have held on for another couple of weeks, but the air strike on the East Pakistan Governor’s house in Dhaka drove them to immediate capitulation. Here in Iran, despite the loss of their top political and military hierarchy, they have not only survived but have waged an effective strategic battle forcing the adversary to shelve their stated aim of regime change and negotiate. In this war, it appears that at the time of conflict termination Americans may not be successful in their stated aims, then despite the damage inflicted on Iran, the battle of perception would be won by Iran. The sole global superpower and the regional power in West Asia would have been forced to eat a humble pie, thus increasing the stature of Iran in the geo-strategic affairs in West Asia. Israel would face the heat as Hezbollah would not just be surviving but would  still be a force to reckon with, so would the Houthis. So this conflict per se, may not end with any negotiated peace deal in the near future, but the intensity of strikes may reduce considerably, the Strait may continue to be policed by both US and Iran, before finally it is  TACO time.

 

MARD KO DARD NAHI HOTA (MEN DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN)

 As we get older, the sins of our youth come to haunt us, goes the saying, I don’t know about the sins, but the bones broken and ligaments/tendons injuries sustained in our youthful exuberance whether on the sports field or the battlefield do serve us reminders of our misdemeanours daily. Then there are people who have led a sedentary lifestyle, having spent their life without subjecting their bodies to any kind of exercise, moving around with nary a pain. That sight itself is quite painful but with the aching and creaking joints we are forced seek solace with the physiotherapists, who have just been upgraded to the status of a doctor. They are naturally in demand these days, funny part is, we go there to suffer the ordeal which we undergo and even pay them for it. 

With my shoulder giving me a cold shoulder since last couple of months, I too have been doing the rounds of orthopaedics, sports medicine specialists and physiotherapists. Incidentally I am a classic Orthopaedic patient having broken bones or torn those ligaments/tendons at regular intervals over the last nearly six odd decades. You name a part of the body and I have a history of injury, right from the head to the toe. Suffice to say that I am a moving encyclopaedia of injuries and ailments, so much so that doctors sometimes are shocked when I start belting out the medical jargon myself, which they often resort to confuse the hapless patients.

My latest encounter with the physios is currently on, surprisingly many of them are young lasses, who have set up their own clinics, where they treat people like us and in the bargain inflict unbearable pain on our unsuspecting bodies in order to provide us some relief. I am not sure of their line of treatment, may be with these administered pains, we tend to forget the original ones which brought us to their doorstep in the first place. If it was the shoulder, which was the culprit, it is the back, the neck and the fast disappearing biceps which are at the receiving end, and they end up suffering the trials and tribulations.  The worst part is we, being a Veteran, can’t even wince in pain, you know, “मर्द को दर्द नहीं होता ” (men don’t feel any pain) types, so just grin and bear it, else your masculinity itself at stake.

I have been wondering as to why aren’t this clan of physios put to use in the torture chambers, I mean, with the knack that they have, they can reduce even the strongest of hulks to tears. The third degree methods are passé, and in any case the criminals have already got used to them, these are novel ones, together with the dentists I think they will make quite a formidable pair. As dentists just have to ensure that the mouth is kept open for couple of hours, the poor sod will spill the beans, the moment he gets to close it lest he be forced to open it again. Anyway getting back to the physios, their clinics these days are full of gizmos, the Laser, the Chinese Suction Cups, Ultrasound, something called the Tense, and then the mother of all, Shockers. I wonder whether these people have had any training in the “shock and awe” of the cavaliers, as they not only shock the hell out of you, but also leave you awestruck with the rest of the paraphernalia  at their disposal. The body finally is forced to succumb to the onslaught and all the hidden knots and stressed muscles come to the fore seeking solace, which I am hoping will come about gradually. As of now since they have just managed to make their presence felt, my complete body seems to have gone off on a strike, with none of the limbs obeying my command, having got their own version of AI working for them. Well I have no option but to grin and bear it, as sore shoulders one with supraspinatus tendon tear (this one is just to impress my friends!) does not leave me with much choice in terms of physical activity. My Tennis, Squash rackets along with Golf clubs are languishing in their bags respectively waiting desperately for this ordeal to be over so that they are put to some good use again. So here is hoping that, the physios are successful in sending me back to the courts and the course that I belong to, rather than doing the rounds of these clinics.

PS: No offence to the practitioners of this intricate medical science called physiotherapy, they are doing a yeoman’s service to the oldies and sportspersons. After all we are still at their mercy!

DON THE TRUMPETER & HIS ORCHESTRA

 

Don the Trumpeter is at a loss now, he inherited an orchestra, a full ensemble  with all the accompanying instrumentalists, the percussionists, the guitarist, the pianist, the drums, the clarinets and he was elevated to be the conductor to play a new symphony which was to be timeless and would make the Americans go gaga over his MAGA . But Don was not interested in doing the just the MAGA, he believed that greatness began at home, he had faith in his creative genius and felt he could create his own masterpiece and leave a lasting legacy behind. First he started to play the ‘tariff’ tune, keeping the scales unpredictable, the audience had to join in, thus making it a unique kind of fusion. Simultaneously he was tuning into the ‘Nobel’ song of peace, which did not find any response barring the odd Paki courtier, who had been out of favour for long, desperately trying to wriggle into the chorus group. 

Then came the ‘Venezuela theme’ song, executed to perfection, leaving the audience gasping, wondering where is the crescendo headed? In between Don fumed and fretted, swinging his wand, left, right and centre and blowing his trumpet all this while. A conductor with his baton, blowing his trumpet was a new one for the music world. Normally the trumpeter was kept outside the ensemble and played occasionally when the rich repertoire needed to be given a boost. This conductor just refused to part with his trumpet, blowing it away to glory without a care if the audience was interested or not. People were amused at first, then irritated but were forced to suffer, as the conductor could not be offended, lest he start his tariff tunes again.

Cacofonix, the Gaul bard was not amused, as he had the sole rights on ‘out of tune’ music and rendering cacophony in the world, but here Don the Trumpeter, had usurped his place. The audience was left shuddering and remembering the good old days of plain and simple cacophony. The musical crests and troughs had taken on a life of their own, making it not just resemble an electro cardio graph, but actually leaving the audience on life support itself.  The other orchestras were at a loss as no one dared to play when the Yankees played, the Chinese were watching it with interest smelling a chance to be the conductor in the near future themselves, provided this cacophony continued. The Russians too had their skin in the rendition, as they were playing a different tune elsewhere, but wouldn’t mind throwing their hat in too. Israel emerged as the one controlling and directing the show remotely. Indians were more into their own classical ragas, the Western versions were no longer music to them, unlike some time earlier, when they were happy tangoing rather than attempt playing their own signature tunes. 

Don having commenced the latest symphony with all the percussionists at hand was at a loss as to how to get the strings to mellow it down, while continuing to blow his own trumpet. He got stuck on ‘Mi’; the rest of the notes from the “do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti” solfege were left sulking, as ‘Mi’ was his favourite note. Meanwhile Iranians has taken the wind out of Don’s instruments, they consider music to be anathema and don’t take kindly to it at all. Iranians of late believe in just ‘droning’ which they have perfected in such a manner that their whistling sounds is definitely music to the Mullahs. Don appears to be modern day Nero, content playing his fiddle while the world itself is in flames. The only hope being the ‘TACO’, the world is desperately waiting for him to finally render it and may be sanity may soon prevail in the music world as well.

MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING

 

Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) sounds impressive, officialese, bureaucracy at its best, generally signed between the high and mighty, governments, corporates, honchos from the industry and so on. But frankly the only understanding that this piece of paper has is, that it must remain on paper only. If it was to be implemented in all earnestness then the purpose of the memo is defeated. It is a ‘memo’ which is ‘random’ in nature and creates only ‘misunderstanding’. Those of us who have either been in bureaucracy or have suffered at their hands will understand, how any memo is composed and drafted with a single minded devotion and dedication to obfuscate and confuse the issue at hand. If in our youthful exuberance, we as much as even attempted to clear the air, then a sound rap on the knuckles was served by the seniors and were reminded to watch ‘Yes Prime Minister’, the famous British sitcom of the eighties. The banter between Jim Hacker, the PM and Sir Humphrey, his Principal Secretary was not just hilarious but also ironical as it showed the bureaucracy in the government a mirror. Having inherited  their legacy, our babus have not just mastered the art but have become even better than them.

Anyway, these days, it seems to be not just fashionable to sign MOUs with anyone and everyone, but it also appears to be a reflection of hard work and dedication to the organisation. So IITs, our premier educational institutes go ahead and sign one with captains of  the industry, industry in its turn signs one with the ‘sarkari’ scientists the DRDO, who sign up with bankers for the finances and so on. The Armed Forces have also caught the bug of late and one hears of only MoUs being signed left right and centre. There are supposed to be milestones which become more of millstones around the neck, guidelines  which are sidelined and benchmarks which are just benched and no marks for guessing the end result. Most of these MoUs remain just that, a memo which has only little understanding of what actually needs to be done.

But MoUs are not just a national pastime, but international too, as is evident each year at Davos, when our leaders are off on the annual jamboree, where they ink these MoUs  by the dozen or may be in scores, with promises of investments worth millions of dollars worth.  Frankly, we have yet to witness even some pennies and shillings forget about the millions of greenbacks.  The mandatory handshake provides a good photo opportunity and together with the impressive looking folders, make for a wonderful prop for such an occasion. The signature style of sitting down for signatures on the dotted line is customary and one sticks to traditions in such matters, as the leaders are right behind them to applaud the monumental occasion. The bigger the organisation, more the MoUs, wonder what do they do with all the paper which they consume in these deeds, obviously they can’t be sold in ‘raddi’ as that would let the cat out of the bag. These days we have heavy duty shredders to do exactly the same thing, which too would have been procured after some MoU would have been signed, but for a change would have fructified, to prove exceptions is the rule.

IRANIAN IMBROGLIO

 Why did US and Israel go to war in Iran, when the negotiations were in advanced stage and it is reliably learnt that they were pretty close to a deal? Ever since Trump returned to power, the war was imminent and the early indications were evident all along. Since 1979, Iran has been the nemesis of the US, when Shah of Iran, a stooge of the Americans, was overthrown in the Islamic Revolution. Iranian  resilience is legendary, having survived the eight years long Iran-Iraq war, despite the overt and covert support of the West. It is the inheritor of the rich Persian civilisation. But the story actually began sometime in 1953  when US indulged in now quite infamous ‘regime change’ operation, orchestrated a coup and deposed the democratically elected popular Prime Minister Mohammed Mosaddegh, because of his decision to nationalise their British controlled oil industry and installed Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi on the throne.

US was made to eat a humble pie after the Tehran hostage crisis of 1979, which lasted 444 days and cost Jimmy Carter his presidency. Iran has been at the receiving end of US led sanctions since then. It has not only survived all that, but has been waging a proxy war through Hezbollah, Hamas and Houthis targeting the US and Western interests in the Middle East.  Israel has been a thorn in the flesh for the Mullahs of Iran and they have vowed to destroy the Zionist state in totality. The rest of the Arab world has been brought around by the Americans to accept some sort of adjustment with Israel, except the Iranians and hence the concern about the Iranian nuclear programme. A nuclear powered Iran spells disaster for Israel and in the bargain for the Western hegemony in the region. Israel has been itching to neutralise this threat once and for all, however  US has been reticent and cautious all this while, because the administration was aware of the mess it may end up in. 

This time around Bibi and the powerful Jewish lobby in US administration  seem to have convinced Trump that all that was needed was the elimination of the top leadership of Iran and the cookie will crumble, as the masses are themselves fed up with this brutal dictatorial regime. The leadership was eliminated, but the regime has survived so far, and there are no indications that it anywhere near a total collapse. It turned out to be a grave miscalculation, as the war is now in its third week and there are no signs of any fatigue visible in the Iranian response. Iran obviously has not been surprised by the turn of events, as their neighbourhood has been targeted in the last two decades or so with Egypt, Libya, Iraq, Syria meeting the same fate of regime change and ensuing anarchy. Having been a witness to these happenings, they have been quietly preparing for this eventuality. So they systematically targeted the US bases in the region along with Israel in the first phase, then they decided to choke the Strait of Hormuz, thereby sending ripples around the rest of the world as well. If the war drags on longer, these ripples can turn into tsunamis, which may end up drowning many of the smaller economies of the world. 

In today’s era where economies of the world are globalised and intertwined, this blocking of Strait of Hormuz has implications way beyond just oil. With oil prices shooting through the roof and supply of LPG severely affected, which will end up in hyperinflation in smaller economies. The other major sectors likely to be effected in the near term are agriculture, as nitrogen based fertilisers need gas, semiconductor industry, which needs helium, another byproduct of petrochemicals industry, plastic, resins and packaging material.

India is also being affected by the shortage of LPG in the short term, if the war continues for a considerably longer period, our economy will also face headwinds. Global supply chain disruption will cause mayhem in almost all the sectors. 

What is the end state of this current imbroglio, as it is evident that Iran is not exactly suing for peace, Trump’s call for support to ease the blockage of Strait of Hormuz has not been heeded to by NATO countries, nor China. Signs are ominous, an off ramp is required for US to call off the offensive, which doesn’t seem to be available as of now. Knowing the unpredictable nature of Trump, it may just happen as suddenly as it began, with him announcing that they have achieved their aims of denuclearising Iran, as he did last time around having bombed Iranian nuclear facilities and claiming to have decimated them. That may end the war as of now, but peace will still remain elusive.