Dare to Stare

 L&T Chairperson Mr Subrahmanyan is a wise man and speaks out of experience, so friends don't just listen to his sane advice but take it as a gospel, because the sooner you do that you will have attained nirvana as far as marital bliss goes at least.The mistress of the house is obviously not to be stared at, Mr Subrahmanyan committed this cardinal sin and paid for it dearly. Ask any of the much married men if they have ever dared to stare at their spouses and you will realise that his statement is worth pure 24 carat gold. "Don't you dare even look at me that way forget about staring", is how my better half chastised me more than three decades ago, when I was merely trying to contemplate my response at an argument we were having. I am sure you have heard of the old saying, 'If looks could kill..'. 

Eyes convey a lot more than what is visible, as Shubha Mudgal crooned in the 90s "Seekho na naino ki bhasha piya.." ( Learn the language of the eyes). Alas the piya or the beloved in question is so dumb that he is simply incapable of grasping these nuances. My granny used to say that her sons are naive and they don't understand all these glances, she was so right. There is another beautiful Urdu couplet " Nazar jo uthi to dua ban gayi, jo giri to haya ban gayi, jo gir ke uthi to khata ban gayi aur uth kar jhuki to ada ban gayi" ( Eyes are raised in prayer but if they droop they are coy and if risen thereafter it is a dare and finally if lowered becomes graceful). 

Mr Subrahmanyan obviously went to an all boys convent, as anyone who has ever ventured into a coed would vouch for the fun of getting into a staring contest with the girls, we could outstare them any day. But the same girl once she adorns the mantle of a wife she doesn’t need to get into any such trivialities as she knows that just one look …

Bosses are known to be making threats of all kinds, in the corporate world, in bureaucracy and of course in the uniformed forces, because the fear of the stick always works. But this is the most innovative way devised by this genius, where he has actually camouflaged it in such a sane advice. I have been a boss in my previous avatar and was supposed to be quite a hard task master, I must have issued all kinds of threats, open or veiled driving them towards professional excellence, but never realised that it was their getting into this staring contest which was the major obstacle in their progress. How I wish I had the privilege of this stratagem then..

Once the realisation dawns and it doesn't take much time that  staring doesn't get you anywhere then one devises better ways to keep out of harm's way by seeking refuge on the golf course or a tennis court or just about anywhere else. Sundays can be better spent at a number of places to avoid that sideways stern glance but I am sure Mr Subrahmanyan was not concerned regarding any other way to avoid the stare, but for the poor sod to troop into the office and clock those hours. Mr Subrahmanyan or should I just call him Subby which probably would be how he would be addressed  if he was in the Army, should know better than that as Mr Mahindra said publicly it is not the number of hours, which is what the babus do, but the quality of output which matters. Much as I would have liked to convey with my eyes, but then I have no choice so here I am putting it in words, take a chill pill buddy.  With due apologies to the author of this hymn,

 "Staring, staring, if we all keep staring, all the time we have, 

How we annoy and in pieces and total resentment... Staring..."

 Yes for the record, I only give loving glances at my adorable beautiful wife, stare I dare not!

RING OUT THE OLD RING IN THE NEW

HAPPY NEW YEAR 

 "Ring out the old ring in the new" so said Alfred Tennyson in his immortal "In Memoriam".  There was a time when New Year was eagerly awaited, as fresh beginnings could be made, saying adios to the year that just went by. Apart from the  dancing and merry making on the New Year's eve, we would sit down and religiously prepare our own greeting cards list, where and who all were going to be on it. Prior to that getting hold of cards, ordering them in advance, initially just with the regimental emblem and then with our name embossed the customised version, it was an exercise in itself and then collect all the cards received and put them up for display in your office and at home. There was a personal touch in these precious cards, people endorsed a few salutations in hand and signed, but alas those days are all gone.

Ever since the advent of this wretched "whats app", it has single handedly put these cards to rest permanently. Now we dread New Year's eve and the following days, as we are literally swamped with new year good wishes from every possible contact or non contact. There are all kinds of messages doing the rounds, so we have some who decide to wax eloquent about philosophy dishing out sermons about the new year, some of us vainglorious types decide to take selfies with families and inundate the groups with their photos with the greetings, some indulge in poetry while some others say it with flowers and cakes but alas, all in the virtual world. The deluge of wishes actually submerge us as the count just keeps rising from hundreds to thousands and we find it difficult to keep pace. The issue is not just being at the receiving end, we have to give back in equal measure, else we feel left out, so then we end up pushing out these in the same manner as we received them. While we definitely end up touching base with many more, but the sheer pleasure of receiving the physical greeting card and having it displayed like a trophy is missing. Whats app being free, we tend to dig out even those friends and relatives who have been long forgotten and are not even in their contact list. So we end up introducing ourselves to these guys who obviously did not think it was worth the while to save your contact details. Then they feign as though they have been able to place you, which we all know is quite fake, as they have no recollection whatsoever, and sure enough they end up reciprocating with the perfunctory response “Same to you!”. For the retirees, this is a good pastime but for the rest who still have to work to earn their bread, this is a pain, especially as some oldies would take an offence on their good wishes not being responded to. 

I often wonder, what is there to celebrate about this new year, the thoughts expressed in a cartoon which I came across, where an alien is posing a question to his colleague as to why the earthlings are going crazy on this day. His response was that since their planet has completed one full circle of their star, they call it new year and dance around. The first one then says, didn’t he mention that these guys are quite a dumb race actually. 

Dumb we are, no doubt, as through “whats app”,  we are providing the most precious commodity “Data” in this digital era, to Meta on a platter.

Laces or Strings

  Shoelaces or shoestrings as the American would like to call them, seemingly innocuous accessories, can be quite a nuisance or a botheration for some of us. I am sure you have heard of the phrase tie yourself up in knots, well the origin can be traced back to someone who ended up falling on his face with his shoe laces playing truant. This was a common prank in schools when the unsuspecting master or a dozing dud of a classmate would be at the receiving end.  You must be wondering what is it about these laces which have forced me to wax eloquent about their characteristics, well, actually there is. 

In the days of yore, the shoe laces were following the straight bar lacing method

, where one end of the aglet (the tip of the shoe lace) was taken straight to the last hole  (eye) and the second one would traverse the others in a crisscross manner. Tightening and loosening was simple, you had to just pull at the lowest one, followed by the higher ones and you could manage it without any hassle. But then, what is life if not a little complicated, so some
smart alecks introduced the criss-cross method, now the task of loosening or tightening was not just a challenge but for most of us quite impossible, with due apologies to Napoleon, in whose dictionary the word impossible wasn't there supposedly. I am sure he wore boots with straight lacing or he would have possibly hired some technicians to do the job for him. As if this is not enough, there are those who having been inspired by the complex design of DNA, decided to use the helix formation. Now try your hand at tinkering with the lowly laces; with all these complex webs which have been woven with them obviously they have shed their lowly status eons ago. As if the pattern of lacing was not enough, there are umpteen methods of tying the knot, most of us, are used to the simple figure of eight, but then, the basic aim of a knot is not to simplify things, so we have the shoemaker's knot or the bow knot, granny knot, double slip or the half hitch ones. 

Inventions are made to make things, procedures etc easier for the commoners, but these inventions are obviously not meant for us but those with the IQ of an Einstein, though I am sure even he would be hard put to resolve these tangles. No wonder  pump shoes, slip ons, sandals etc must have started finding their aficionados, fed up with the strings attached. In NDA, the twisted pair of laces on our drill boots  could land us in trouble, this small twist could be your nemesis. Our Drill Instructors (Ustaads) who did not have just an ‘eye for detail’ but a microscope who could discern  a twist where none was visible to the human eye. Then laces were made of cotton, which would snap at the time when they were expected to hold for a crucial march up to the Squadron Commander, with no replacement, the effort to use the remnant of the lace was again a herculean task, as the drill boot was no push over with its  thirteen nails and horse shoe together weighed a couple of kilograms, thus giving way again. Now we had the shoe and no lace, a situation which can only be experienced first hand, so an attempt was made to tie the two parts of the laces in such a manner that they would hold and the resultant knot is well camouflaged. We would get caught no doubt but at least you would be with the shoes and not without them.

While we were struggling with our shoelaces, the ladies chose their footwear which did not need this unnecessary accessory, they had their chappals, sandals and boots which used a zipper. Some smart ones amongst us too got hold of boots with the zipper, but them most still had to struggle with laces as usually men's shoes were upto their ankles only, rarely going above that, where a zipper could be put to use. These days a growing potbelly restricts the view and tying the shoelace itself becomes an ordeal. ‘Laces’ or ‘strings’, call them what you wish to, but ladies use them very imaginatively not leaving them with lowly shoes, no wonder they exact a revenge from us menfolk.

CEREBRAL CELEBRITY

 

Gukesh literally means one who has black hair, no wonder he was not afraid of facing the reigning champion with black pieces in the decider with the challenger and the champion locked with 6.5 points each after 13 gruelling rounds of chess. Anyone who has a even a little knowledge of chess knows that white pieces gives the player an edge, as he is the one who has the initiative. I know some of us may be wondering at this racist rule where white leads the blacks, but black pieces do end up delivering the checkmate  in almost 48% of the matches. Anyway, this blog is not about the unfairness of colour discrimination, this one is to celebrate the victory of the youngest world champion, who has made all Indians proud. 

Indians are credited to be the ones who invented this game, which was called "Chaturang" in ancient India. Chess was played by the kings, it helped them plan and strategise against their neighbouring states. Premchand's "Shatranj ke Khiladi" which was later made into a movie by the same name by Satyajit Ray aptly describes how engrossed chess players are that they are not concerned about the British troops marching into Awadh but are ready to draw their swords over minor differences in the game of chess itself. Indian style of Chess was a little different from the international style, here the King was allowed to move like the knight, i.e. two and a half steps once before it was given a check by the opponent. The pawns once they reached the other end of the board, assumed the role of the place where he reached, i.e. if it reached the rook's place it would be a rook unlike in international version where irrespective of the place, it would be turned into queen. I know many of you may not even be aware of the Indian system at all. When we were growing up and wanted to play, this question was often posed as to which system of Chess would we be keen to indulge in. Incidentally I got hooked to this game rather early, as my father used to play a good game of Chess and his sparring partners range included Professors, Teachers, District Revenue Officers, Clerks and anyone else who could tickle his grey cells. I used to watch them play and picked up the nuances, in fact I even participated in a district tournament once as a seven year old and did win a few rounds. 

Those days Bobby Fischer, the maverick American genius who toppled Boris Spassky of the erstwhile USSR as the World Chess Champion was the toast of the Chess fraternity. Unfortunately he remained a recluse and refused to defend his title later ceding the crown back to the Russians as Anatoly Karpov had a pretty long run as the Champ and was subsequently dethroned by compatriot  Gary Kasparov. It was Viswanthan Anand who pioneered the Indian renaissance in Chess becoming the first Grandmaster from India and later winning the championship thereby setting the stage for many Chess prodigies in the years to come. Indian Chess Grandmasters did India proud by winning both Open and Women's Chess Olympiad this year and now of course the crowning glory by Gukesh  Dommaraju becoming the youngest World Champion at 18 years. May his tribe rise and we get to witness many a champs in this cerebral field. let us raise a toast to our Cerebral Celebrity.

Beg your Pardon

  "I beg your pardon", is this what the prodigal son said to the President , who heard him, despite his increasingly impaired hearing and sure  enough like a good Christian, he forgave him. After all it was Christ who implored upon the Lord "To forgive as they know not what they have done" and as the saying goes "to err is human and to forgive divine". Actually the son probably had just stepped on his Dad's toes and was being courteous for his inadvertent act. But Daddy Dear was just waiting to hear this as they say "Seek and ye shall be given", so it was given. It was always a given, that there is no doubt about, just that it had to formalised. The President elect I am sure will not just follow this illustrious path, but will do one better and grant the President’s pardon to himself. Charity does begin at home!

How I wish Putin had similarly  said these magic  words and the war in Ukraine would be over, even the Ayotallahs of Iran need to take a leaf out of Bible, "....forgive and you will be forgiven". Even Islam being a religion of peace propounds the same. The conflict though could be as to who will forgive whether God Almighty or Allah the Merciful, but bottomline being that a good deed has been done before it was too late. But then singling him out may not be correct, as political leaders the world over have been following this principle when in power and decry this as misuse of power when in opposition. Take the case of our own ED and CBI, they unearth all kinds of misdemeanours on part of the tainted leaders, but miraculously they have a change of heart seek repentance and all is forgiven. Someone somewhere has been benevolent and helped a good cause.They can start with a clean slate once again.

The only sad part is that this benevolence is restrictive and not all encompassing, since times immemorial it was the King's prerogative to grant royal pardon to anyone he felt pleased with. While in an unequal world, this was acceptable, but today we are a democracy and so is the US, the oldest one at that, where everyone is supposedly equal, so all crimes and criminals must also be treated at par. Reminds me of the old Hindi saying, "Andher Nagari Chaupat Raja, take sare bhaji take ser khaja!", which means in a state where the ruler is an idiot, chaos prevails. So as George Orwell's prophetic novel  "Animal Farm" mentions in principle "All men are equal but some are naturally more equal than the others!"

We Indians are quite unforgiving types, see we refused to grant pardon to Ajmal Kasab nor did we forgive Afzal Guru, we are so vindictive that even after more than four decades of Mumbai blasts, we are still seeking Dawood Ibrahim's extradition. After all they were merely indulging in some terror activities which some of their ancestors  have been practising over centuries.  

There is one relationship, where the word forgive is forbidden, no prizes for guessing. Obviously wifey dear, she neither forgets, nor lets you forget any misdeeds intended or unintended, here there is no pardon, just the gallows. I am sure the POTUS is well aware that even this good deed of his can not let him off that hook ever.

Ye Dhuan Sa Kahan Se Uthata Hai

“Ye dhuan sa kahan se uthata hai”, Mehdi Hassan would not be asking this question now, as all fingers will point at our National Capital Delhi. Delhi is on a high these days, come winters and Delhiites need their usual fix, without which they start suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Since last couple of years, the farmers from Punjab-Haryana have been providing their quota, apart from the usual contributors to this cause, the Sulphur  and Carbon Mono Oxide belching vehicles make it a heady cocktail. The outsiders can’t keep up and either scoot or get knocked out, but the true blue blooded, smoked Delhi-wallah relishes it so much that not a soul stirs, they just love it. Now just imagine if there was any other aspect, such as road rage, drunken driving, or simply any fake news about communities Delhi wallah will be on the street demanding a ban, and the city would grind to a halt. 

But this AQI, which sounds like AQ Khan, remember him, the thief, who got Pak nukes, so how can they trust AQI, when the initials are so suspicious. Air Quality Index, firstly what exactly has ‘quality’ got to do with it, we Indians believe in ‘quantity' so more the merrier, if AQI is higher obviously that is better, common sense. Delhi being the capital, must lead from the front, so it is not just the leader but miles ahead of the others in the fray. There is a new term which is being thrown around these days, GRAP, Graded Response Action Plan, there is something amiss here, Delhites are only used to grab(bing) anything and everything, so the P is a misprint, the lower half semicircle was up for grabs and someone stole it, reducing the B to a P. Actually the acronym was GRAB, “Gases Relished and Binged”, but the typo was a parali (party) pooper. 

Hitler was such a novice that he was blamed for the holocaust, he should have been in Delhi to learn the tricks of the trade. All that he needed to do was to employ the target population in these open gas chambers, pay them hefty sums to keep them happy and suspicion free and like the Hindi Film villain Ajit’s iconic dialogue, “Inhe liquid Oxygen mein dal do. liquid inhen jeene nahi dega, Oxygen Marne nahi dega! .” “साँप भी मर  जाते और लाठी भी नहीं टूटती”। For all you know he may have been hailed as the greatest progressive statesman. 

But seriously, with GRAP 4 situation , isn’t it about time that Delhi be placed under a lockdown. We have braved a lockdown during Corona, so we are experienced, we can handle it well. If the Govt can’t do it why can’t the citizens themselves resort to this drastic measure, just take the week off from work, don’t open shops, close down the markets, except essential services such as hospitals, eateries etc just close shop. The honourable Supreme Court takes Suo Moto notice of whole lot of things, if this isn’t an emergency, what is? Why can’t they intervene, because the elected representatives are too busy playing the blame game, the usual suspects are, Parali vs Diwali crackers and so on. 

The problem is essentially of pollution, not just atmospheric, which it most definitely is, but of our minds and brains which too have got polluted. But we can’t blame them, they too have been subjected to the same gaseous torture since almost a decade or more. So no ifs and buts, Odd/Even just Lock Down. Delhites your lives matter, you have nothing to lose but your masks and air purifiers. 

AB KI BAR TRUMP SARKAR

Trump(ets) are back with a bang. After four years in oblivion, this piece of instrument ridiculed for its non stop cacophony,  is once again music to the ears of the Americans, the song being played is "Roses are red and Violets are blue, Don is red and Kamla is blue". The mood is blue in the Kamala camp as there was just no 'kamaal' no ‘sur' no ‘taal' just some 'dhamaal'. The Kamla ‘Na Pasand' is the flavour now. Sound  travels in sinusoidal waves is a well known fact, which has its crests and troughs, so true to its character, this music has been up, down and up again. The band MAGA is going gaga, to the horror of the original Lady Gaga. With Trump(ets) making a grand comeback, typically the other pieces of ensemble have gone into a sulk, as Trumpets rule the choir to the chagrin of the rest. When they are blown, others simply submit and play second fiddle. Drums have become subdued, violins are high strung, pianos are off key, trombones  have lost their scale. They have been in a sombre melancholy mood and are already considering moving in for the Cadenza (handing over to the soloist, when the band stops playing).

Game of thrones has given way to the good old game of cards, where the deck has trumped all the rest, making it a spectacular rubber (Bridge). ‘No Trumps’ bid has been sent packing. The Reds are pleased as punch on this turnaround of fortunes, they played it by the ear literally as it was the ear which bore the brunt of the wannabe assassin's bullet.  Taking a cue from his namesake, Donald has once again staked a claim to the Disney throne of toons with support from his Uncle Scrooge, sending Mickey, Goofy and their ilk running for cover. Big Macs from McDonald have heaved a huge sigh of relief and all the big guns are polishing up for the Guard of Honour. Elon Musk  has effectively put to use the great  Indian Bun Musk(a) trick and  is revelling in the unabashed buttering. With Vance and Usha in tow US awaits  a bright morning ahead keeping the Indian connection with the VEEP in tact. The pets too are celebrating as they no longer need to dread being reduced to the cut de sac of the food chain.  

 With due apologies to Lord Byron,“Don Juan, wrapp'd in victorious elation, sauntered on the elevated stage, …………resurrection awaits it, each new meeting or election.” Indians are blowing their conch shells, hoping that the war ravaged world will get some sanity and respite and the ‘deep state’  may even be put to deep sleep. ABKI BAR TRUMP SARKAR!!